I refuse

I refuse this.  I refuse this dormant meaninglessness.  This is not what life is supposed to be like and if you come to me and tell me that this is the harsh reality of living, of being a cog or just barely making it then you are talking to the wrong person.  Shouldn’t you want to do great things?  I just don’t understand how people can sit back and never get back up.  I don’t have time for people like that, I’ve heard their story about a hundred times on how “this is just how it is,” that is stupid and no one should think like that.  Obviously this isn’t how it is because it doesn’t seem to be working for us very well.  So there must be some kind of problem with the current thought process.  There is so much that one person can do….SO MUCH yet NOTHING happens and it drives me insane.  I don’t have time for failure so I certainly don’t have time to sit around and do nothing. Yet here I am….goddamnit….

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Meals, should never be wasted.  Eating is an event and there is no reason to not take full advantage of what people and places have to offer.  Eating is one of those things that should be savored and not haphazardly handled, it is an obligation to yourself.  An obligation that you need to fulfill every single day with something that is completely and entirely delicious to your pallet.  The reason why eating is so great is because you can’t keep it, you can’t hold on to it.  It is a moment that is completely temporal and that is why it needs to count with new, different and delicious things as much as possible.  If you could buy eating as a permanent thing like a gadget, or some other commodity then it would lose its luster and appeal and then why would you want it? It would be just another thing to have and you would get tired of it.  Why rob yourself of that?

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I sat outside for my morning coffee, the breeze wrapping around my shirtless back. It’s cooling touch more than welcome after the record-breaking heat wave.  With my eyes shut, all I could feel was the chilling air and the warm mug in my hand.  I listened, genuinely listened for the first time in a while.  The gusts bullying the trees and foliage around, acting as a sort of white noise, while the inconsistent thunder of the distant traffic layered over that.  I could hear the chair creak under my weight, as I shifted slightly.  The tweets of birds and chirps of hatchlings performed a broken melody.  A bicycle with rusty gears and a tired rider passed by opposite of the fence and a monstrous roar of a freight train rolled to its far off destination. I brought the cup to my mouth and sipped, muting it all.

As I sat there I began to think of when the last time I was this calm, this at peace…then I began to think of when I last wrote, never formulating an answer for either.  I always want to write something beginning with, “It had been a while since I had written anything,” but never really knowing where to go after that. Just like that I was finished, set my pencil down and begrudgingly moved on with my day.  Never really being honest with myself to stop or inspired enough to continue.  This is different though because I skipped that opening line, having just touched pen to paper my thought had been void and inaccurate to begin with. I think I had always known that but the stubbornness got the best of me. All I needed was a few moments of absolute peace and I can end this thought, not really about anything, where it needs to.

Have a good day.

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Look around you.

What am I even doing? Is it time to give up on creativity and just become another crack in the ice?  I sit here wondering how much honesty I should deal to myself, I know the easy thing is to just give in and let the fracture spread until it breaks and we fall.  But there is something flickering inside me, call it hope or ambition, the want or call to do something to push us, society back onto some discernible track to success and, more importantly, redemption.  I can’t let it go, no matter how many times I have tried to dismiss it, I can’t justify giving up on it and becoming stagnate. Someone has to do something.

Everyone seems to notice the hole we are in but no one does anything about it.  Its just talk.  What happened to us?  We used to be great, the land of opportunity.  Now what?  We have access to all of these great resources but we neglect them and the people that can utilize them the best, which is everyone.  All it takes is a little interest and passion and anyone can do anything great.  Modern technology wasn’t given to us, we made it, WE, people, regular people that wake up, eat, think and sleep just like you.  They just took interest in a hobby.  No one ordered them to make a cell phone.  But we neglect ourselves of thought and creativity which neglects our country.  We have to live here, take a little (or a lot) of pride and lets make the best of it; otherwise we will continue in this downward spiral.

There seem to be a lot of people on the internet with good ideas and solutions to problems and yet nothing gets solved.  Lets try and fix that yeah?

Have a good day

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The Heat

Woah, call this small talk but have you been outside lately?  The weather is awful, there is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing good about the current climate here in Texas.  I rarely get out of the house now-a-days because I am unemployed and in a small town where the only thing there is to do is exist, so it is rare that I venture out, which makes me sad because I like to be outside and do things.  But there is no sense in staying out there to play baseball, ride a bike or relax.

Today was a day that I had a reason to leave the house and being confined for so long outweighed the heat on the logic scale.  I step out side and its like stepping into a wall, the air is thick and hot burning and I immediately start to sweat.  There is no lag between dry and damp and soaked, it just happens.  Then you get worried that people are going to be looking at you like “Man, that guy is sweaty, gross.”  I dismissed that thought process very quickly because Everyone is that guy or girl.  Everyone is gross and that’s OK because we are in this together.  My car’s thermometer told me it was 109 and I believe it, because I looked it up when I got home and it was 109.  One hundred and nine degrees Fahrenheit.  Those kind of numbers play with your mind and contort your face into some twisted and snarling, toasted chunk of meat.  We aren’t mad at each other, but is hard not to be just upset.

It was actually so hot and humid today that I proofed my bread dough out there and it was the fastest proofing ever.

Then winter will come and everything will be great for me, but not everyone else.  The first few days everyone will be happy and thankful, but in a weeks time they will be waiting for the heat.  Really?  Did you already forget how Completely Awful it was?  Its ok though, that is how it has always been and shall continue to be.

This is a time in Texas weather history where there is no tan.  This is Melanoma weather.  Really, it is dangerous out there so be careful.

Trying to get inspired.  I’ll try to write some more.


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The current state of video games

I feel as though I should say something about this because…well it needs to be addressed.  I like video games, I like them a lot and I used to play them all of the time.  I only try to play them now, not because I don’t have time now-a-days, but because I want to be entertained and captivated again.  I actually have to will myself to play a game now, like its a chore or a burden, like something that needs to be done.  I actually procrastinate playing video games now instead of using them as my means of procrastination.  I get on Steam several times a day (because that is where everything is now), in hopes that something will come up, that peaks my interest so much that I have to have it.  So far that has never happened.  Remember when games had a well thought out story, were challenging, long and addicting?  What happened?  Now, there have been games, recently, that were stunningly beautiful, incredibly fun to play, new, fresh, innovative and challenging, but they were usually 9 hours long.  I do believe that there can be too much of a good thing, but man….I sit down and run through a super awesome game in one day and then have no want or drive to play it afterward, THEN I have to wait 3 years until the next super awesome game comes out.  Until then I just play the random riff-raff that comes out between those milestones.

I watch the trailers for games and they talk about how great the visuals are, that’s fine and luxurious but graphics don’t make a game.  We knew this already and yet no one seems to remember it.  I play my SNES more now than I did when it first came out.  What does that say about modern games?  Now they are trying to mix everything together, FPS with RTS and Tower Defense and don’t forget zombies.  I have had enough of that, I’m tired of zombies, really just sick of it.  Zombies are like the bacon of video games, everyone wants to add it to everything when really enough is enough.  It isn’t funny anymore.  That’s another thing that I see popping up more, unnecessary humor.  There are some people that take a great concept and idea and ruin it by putting goofy humor and silly crap in there.  You can’t put everything into one game it just doesn’t work.

Now what do we have? The same, watered down, version of games that came out 3, 4, 5 years ago and no one seems to mind.  Games are bad now, companies realize they can crank out games with slightly better graphics and make loads of money, they don’t care who plays them, only how many they sell.  There are a few indie companies that are making real games but they usually don’t have enough funding to make a good game great.  Their efforts are appreciated and the only glimmer of hope that this industry has.  I would like to see a game come out that looks good, not in the sense that it has the most up to date graphics and engines running at a thousand frames per second, but just looks good for what it is, be it 8, 16 or 64 bit.  A well thought out story and set of characters that make it worth playing and have it be longer than a couple of hours.  No zombies, no goofy, meta or meme humor, no cats and no “this is so bad its good” elements.  Those games existed 12 years ago, they are a dime a dozen now.  And maybe there is a game like that already out, that I haven’t played and I am just missing it.  Of course this is simply my opinion and what I think about video games as a whole, there are always exceptions. Still, it makes me sad because we have regressed so much when it comes to media and entertainment in general that it has become normal.

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In between packing and moving

My apartment looks ransacked and oddly organized.  I’ll be moving to Keller, Texas for a short time, where I’ll be sleeping behind a couch, until I can find a job and move to a place of my own.

In between all of this I am trying to stay positive about locating a job but the more I read statistics about the job market the harder it becomes to maintain that perspective.  When I look at something I try to see if I can reproduce that product and make it better at the same time.  Things like food, tools, gadgets, methods and other such things, so I thought: why not apply that to the job hunt.  As in creating my own job, as in being an entrepreneur, as in putting myself through what many call the most difficult fun they can have.  I don’t see why I can’t do something along those lines…that’s how every single company was born, they haven’t always been here.  It was a person with a will, a dream and some know how…I have all of those things.  It makes sense on paper but when I say it out loud to people it sounds absurd and I get blank stares.  I can tell that they don’t believe in me, that I’m some young kid whose eyes are bigger than his stomach.  It just makes me want to show them that I can do it.  It is one of my favorite things to do…prove people wrong and show them that they should have had faith in me to begin with.  I’m not bitter about it, it just makes me smile and we usually have a laugh about it.  We will see what happens later.

have a good day

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Good Morning-ish

By the time I post this it will not be morning but, it is morning as I write.  I just got back from “brunch” with Rachel where we sat at a table for one but managed to get food for four people on it.  I’m not going to talk about the food or the time spent at the restaurant, what I want to talk about is the drive over and away from it.  During the drive over there I was thinking to myself about the past year and a half or so.  It was really a quick reflection on myself and how I acted before and how I act now.  I realized that somewhere along the way from where I was to where I am now, I lost something.  Nothing physical, like keys or my wallet, but an extension of myself.  It is difficult to explain it in words because there are so many that only begin to describe what it is.  It has to do with satisfaction, happiness, sadness, clarity and direction, along with a lot of other adjectives.  It isn’t that I am unhappy but I feel, as I have said before, like I am waiting…still.

While I was still in school I had this goal that I was waiting to reach, the goal being graduation.  I had been working all year, keeping my head down and pushing through all of the muck, waiting for it to end.  During that time is when I lost that thing I mentioned.  So as we drove back home I started to think about it again.  Trying to think of all of the things that had left my life: music, childhood, several friends, weight and opportunities.  I wasn’t looking at it in a negative light, that I had lost or missed all of these things and that it was bad, because there are good and bad things that are no longer around.

I mentioned to Rachel that I wanted some songs that I could sing along to, because I used to do that, meaning I no longer do that.  I told her that I knew I had songs that I know all of the words to but when they come on I never want to sing them.  I’ll even thing in my head “I could be singing along to this…why aren’t I doing so?”  It doesn’t make sense to me.  I was talking to my roommate, Ryan, a few nights ago about how I don’t make sense to myself.  I told him that I was a victim of myself because I am usually the one that makes me actually mad.  To a lot of people I may come off as easily irritated but the truth is, is that I am not.  I made the observation long ago that people are going to be the way they are and you can’t really help that.  True there are times when people do irritate me but they don’t really make me angry like I make me angry.  The only example that comes to mind right now is this:  when I work out I like to skip rope at the end of everything and it has taken me a while to get good at it because I was never graceful (still not).  I usually do it wearing my Toms, not really sure why, but a few days ago I did it wearing my running shoes, which make me slightly taller.  Since the Toms are such low profile shoes I am used to a certain height and feeling when I jump rope but since I was slightly taller I kept messing up, making me upset.  What really got me was that, I could have walked inside my apartment and put my Toms on and go back to doing what I was doing.  But I didn’t.  My thoughts were: “Man, these shoes keep messing me up, I should go get my other ones.” then I didn’t “Why aren’t I getting my other shoes? It would make this easier and faster and make me happier.”  The fact that I was thinking and analyzing my thoughts about how I wouldn’t get the shoes was eating at me, tripping over the jump rope all the while.  I know it is stupid and doesn’t make sense but man, it really got to me and that happens a lot.

This is a confusing post so I’m just going to stop it here.  Ill talk about the DART rail next time.  I’m okay, by the way.


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A very brief, but necessary, thought…

I am terrified of things to come.  The future is an dauntingly, unpredictable factor that is constantly looming over our heads.  We strive to make the future a reality, a thought or simply unknown and it is out of fear, passion and conviction that we do so.  Some people go to work and assume that their lives will continue on a path that they are burning for themselves.  As you go over this new terrain and it dips and bumps with rocks and ruts in the ground, your wheels become loose.  When it falls off, you are left with a few choices, leave it, fix it or wait.  How will you react? Will you wait for someone else to come for you?  Will you traverse the land unprepared? Or will you be your own linchpin?

stay on target

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Leadership, Management and The Boy Scouts of America

Like I said.

So leadership is something that has been coming up recently because now that I have a degree, which apparently allows me to lead people, I am more likely to get a position leading others.  I haven’t ever had a problem with leading people because I do two things major things while I am directing.  1.  I ask them nicely and I never belittle them, because making an example of people will make you look bad, as well as, your employee or whomever.  2.  I do the work with them and if for some reason I can’t then I try to come back to see how they are doing and if they are having any problems.  Of course, there are several other things that play into this equation like having the right people to rely on, having a good manager to employee relation and also faith in their abilities.  If you doubt them and they know it, your worker will not be a happy one.  It is really such a broad subject to talk about because you to able to look at your team individually and know how each one of them behaves, reacts and performs.  You have to play to their strengths so that they are comfortable with what they are assigned.  Building that employee retention is through the way you act, what they do and then what you do for them.  You have to show appreciation for what they do because without them, your business is nothing.  Don’t take them for granted.  As I said before there is so much to talk about when it comes to this subject and I am trying to think of key points off the top of my head, its hard.  What do you guys think?  I know there are a lot of things I am leaving out but I just for the life of me, can’t remember…What are somethings that you notice where you work?  Things to could be improved upon, things that you can do better or things that can be omitted.

What I wanted to say about the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) was how much I didn’t realize how big of an impact it had on my life.  I knew that it taught me a lot: survival, knots, fires, knife handling, compass use and a myriad of other things.  What I recently realized (recently being 2 years ago) was how much it taught me about management, organization and how to get people to work as a team.  It was really a great thing that happened to me and I am still learning from it 5 years later.  I encourage the BSA for all boys and for them to stick with it, don’t give up because you aren’t too good for it.

Just one more short thing about leadership.  When my father was closing his business after 35 years of operation, it became a daunting task and when I came home from college for the summer, it became my job to help him.  At the time, I myself was going through a lot and it was around the time when I really started to realize how dumb I was and how much I didn’t want to let my parents down.  I would see my dad get….so discouraged and down I mean this was his life he was having to pack up and sell, I hated seeing him like that.  This figurative giant man, the man that taught me the majority of what I know was having trouble for the first time in a long time.  I hadn’t noticed at first but I became the one who would keep him going and motivated to push through this struggle.  Despite the stern talks and  quiet resentment and piling sadness when my personal life crossed into my family life, when we worked, we just did that and it was very….bonding.  Near the end of the ordeal, it was just the two of us, sorting through an entire service station of equipment and memories.  I heard a lot of great stories and it was an eye opening experience for both of us.  The reason this pertains to leadership is because that was the summer when I, kind of, lead the person that lead me for so long and it was a strange transition thinking about it now, but back then it just felt like something I had to do and I just did it.  This short thing turned into a long thing, sorry.  Thank you Dad, I love you.

E mail your thoughts to me @ ndrw.brn@gmail.com


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